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“I’m a great person, why do my relationships fail?"

Do you often think, “I’m a great person, why do I attract bad relationships and up in relationships where I am not respected nor valued?” You are an empath and a giver.

Givers love to help others. It is their purpose, their gift to the world. They love making things better and being valued and admired for that talent. They give to others in hopes of being appreciated and validated as a good person, a loving person. This is a narcissist’s dream come true.

Givers attract takers when they value others more than themselves. They thrive in relationships, as they can play out their role as the caregiver, provider, and manager of all things that need to be cared for. They feel other’s pain and suffering and pull out their magic light wand to wave over everything and try to fix it.

Narcissist’s thrive in this environment too. It is a requirement that you do everything for them as they play the poor me role to bait you in the beginning. Then once you are doing their bidding and their chores, suddenly it’s not enough. Now they want more. They demand more. They are now the puppeteer to the giver’s "marionette" strings. They dangle the carrot out in front of you for love and approval, and will never let you take a bite. They use your desire for peace, harmony and love as a tool against you. They let you believe that someday you will get it if you are good enough and do enough to prove it to them.

So how does one break this pattern? First, take a look at how you give. It’s ok to give to those who can’t do for themselves, such as someone who is sick, dying or disabled. Yet doing things for others who are completely capable of doing for themselves on a regular basis, like paying their bills, or managing their personal responsibilities is enabling and dis-empowering to you both. You are not helping them to grow by doing it for them. It’s ok to give when the giving is reciprocal. But if you find yourself doing much more for your partner than they give back to you, then back off. Slow down and give space. You are smothering them. Often they will either leave you, cheat on you, or have no respect for you.

Give love from a position of strength, instead of having the motive to be loved in return. It will be more natural and not an overcompensation. You are love. You need not seek it through others. By “being” the love inside your body, you will naturally attract loving people around you to share it with, who give back to you equally, and also give love from a place of overflowing, not needing to fill up from your well. You will be full and connected within and without.

Second, stop trying to prove or convince others how great you are. You are already enough and you don’t need to go to great lengths to show your partner how amazing you are. If they are a loving partner, they will already see that in you. Often givers try to prove how wonderful they are by doing things for their partner all the time. Seldom does that other partner show gratitude or say thank you. It is perceived as overcompensation to get attention, due to inner insecurity, that they are not good enough or lovable.

Through shedding light on your feelings of fear, lack and anxiety,

the process of clarity and oneness begins.

So if you find yourself constantly trying to "wow" the other with who you are, how you look, what you have done, or what you can do for them, you are missing the point. You are externally focused on who you are. You are not all of the things you did or can do. You are a being - an inner being. You have love inside you and that is enough.

When all the labels and stories of who you are are stripped away, what's left?

Only love, only love, only love. You are always, truly nothing, but love.

You know it is time to move on when your heart sinks and is hurt, but do you know the difference between being hurt and being needy? One is respectful the other is not. Someone hurts you when they disrespect you; the latter is when you don’t respect yourself. You may hurt and ache because you disrespect yourself and the choices you have made (to meet your supposed needs). You may believe you are incapable of making the “right” choices now (because of past supposed failures). Take your time, instead of rushing into a good thing, or out of it from fear. Instead of making fear based choices, know what is right, congruent and working all on its own; effortlessness, as opposed to resistance or trying. Problems may arise and doors close if you are resisting or straying from your true path. Disarm your fears ability to influence your choices that can close those doors due to your past.

Third, recognize your triggers of victimization and abandonment - both reflections of your lack of self worth. When your partner is late, doesn’t call you on time or is discourteous to you, do not get angry and lash out, or sit their quietly, repeatedly taking the passive aggressive abuse. Do what you need to do to satisfy your own happiness. This doesn’t mean be spiteful, go out drinking or cheat to appease your need for affection. It means take yourself out to dinner when they are late because you are hungry and that is what you need in that moment. You are responsible for making decisions to fulfill your needs and inner happiness. Not them. Once they see that you are strong, independent and taking charge of your own happiness, they will respect you even more. When you are strong you will be able to express your disappointment without coming from a place of a being a victim. They will love you as much as you love yourself. The more that you love and treat yourself like a highly valuable person, so will they. People can only love you as much as you love yourself. Everyone is a reflection of you and your inner beliefs about yourself. You attract what you believe. What you focus your attention on becomes more so - good or bad.

Fourth, have compassion not empathy for others. People who are empathic can feel the pain and suffering of others and want to stop it for them. It can be tricky to have empathy without taking on their suffering in the process. Compassion means to listen, hold space for them to express and help them troubleshoot their problems. It doesn’t mean fixing it for them.

Taking on other's problems and carrying their burdens is martyrdom. Compassion understands, doesn't judge, listens and cares without trying to fix, while remaining helpful.

Fifth, learn to embrace and enjoy being alone. Being alone can be a giver’s worst nightmare. It can feel like a death at first, or a black hole, empty, naked, and falling into the unknown of nothingness. Givers thrive in relationships and being around people. They tend to be community oriented people who are fed by social situations. They truly love people and feel they are here to better humanity and bring everyone to a place of love. So it is hard for givers and empaths to be alone.

Know that being alone allows you to rejuvenate, reflect, and recalibrate your lessons to learn and to share. Walks in nature and times of retreat are highly important for the giver and empath. Spirit and time in Mother Nature are what feeds that nurturing, loving side of you. Otherwise, you are depleted and not doing a good job at helping anyone. So do it for yourself first, and others will benefit from your overflow of love and energy.

Overall, it is important that you take charge of your happiness and success and empower others to do the same. Being a crutch does not allow them to grow, and you are denying them a life lesson that would otherwise empower them. Love yourself, feed yourself and your garden will grow.

Dear Human,

Remember your fullest love expression and your radiance. It is in the breeze that carries the sunlight to warm you. It is the love in all things that surround you. Not one thing! Not one thing outside of you - all things. You are not alone, you are al-one, all one! Feeling in love is great, as long as you know it is simply a part of all the love that exists. All love, true love is in one thing that exists inside of you only; which is the source of the love in all things that are outside of you. You are directly connected with that source. So why borrow cups of water from your neighbors, when you have a well on your property? Go to the source for a constant flow that is endless and always giving life to you! It is within you always!

In love and oneness on your journey,

Cindy Bowen

To experience more love and oneness in your life, go to and explore the online course, e-book and personal life coaching sessions.

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